JOY!

Can I just say how quickly God can turn things around? This morning, I woke up sweating profusely from no air conditioning in our dorm. I was still mad with the thoughts of not having a job or any big plans to look forward to for the summer, and I have generally never been a fan of Monday mornings. I'm way behind on a couple big projects, and Spanish (as always) has found a pretty consistent and painful way of kicking my butt. Today did not feel like a good day. After lunch, I was still not in a good mood. Nothing was wrong, but nothing was right either.  

And then the sun came out in my life, and God took over.

How amazing it is when you just give things to him! How completely AWESOME is it when you feel so overwhelmed and helpless, and all of a sudden, things just start going your way? I credit this to God. It's not coincidence, it's not chance. It was a beautiful day, and I spent most of it outside because we had no air conditioning. But being outside was amazing, and God did that. I was absolutely dreading going to work--I hate my job. And I absolutely did not want to be there. And then, we got a night off with pay! God's doing. I kept thinking about this summer and how I absolutely do not want to have an over abundance of free time, and how I want to make money and start saving, or be able to volunteer and work with kids if I can't get a job. And neither one seemed to be opening up for me. But then I got an email that made me start crying in the library. With everyone around, just tearing up in front of my own little screen. I have the opportunity to help kids, I do! And it may not be as full time as I want it to be, but this small window is just going to be something God will use. I know it. Whether there's something else he may ask of me, I know this is the first step. And I can NOT wait to get back and start serving with these little kids again. They make me joyful, they make me have love. How great is the love and the understanding of our God! After all these things, I practically skipped to dinner tonight.  I have not been this happy in so long! But my goal tonight is to make these joyful outbursts stay through the harder days. If God is blessing me so much, why do I act so day-to-day ordinary?? God has done "this" for me, and THIS! And that, and this, and look at all he has done! That's what I should be saying. I get in these moments where I can't hold in my joy and my love. And these are happening to me more and more. So God, are these hints to have joy all the time? I

I think I'm finally figuring things out. Slowly. At least this part. Be joyful and show love. And let God take care of everything else!

Literally Uncontainable

Do you know how much God loves you, and if you do know--do you remember this throughout each day?  Today was the most beautiful day I've had in such a long time. I don't know what was different or why I felt so spectacular or what inside me took a change for the better, but I have never felt so close to God, not in such a long time. Everywhere I looked, I saw God. When I breathed in and out I thought about how it was He that was giving me those breaths, keeping me alive.  What a shame that this only happens to me every once in a while! How little my faith! In walking around today, I remembered and truly remembered what it feels like to have God's love in my heart, and to try to share it. This is something I don't deserve, can't deserve, have no hand in whatsoever. And yet his grace keeps coming, and his love keeps flowing. So much so that today, in the best way, I felt like my heart was going to burst.

I really and honestly can't tell you what happened to me today, and I wish I could because then I could tell you how to feel this way too. But the fact is that there was nothing that had changed, and yet everything had. God took my worries away. Every thought about my future, both near and farther along down the road--all these God swept away. I don't need to worry about what is going to happen.  Just have faith. Faith even the size of a mustard seed, the Bible tells us, can move a mountain. Why did God bless me so much today? I don't know. But he blesses me everyday, and I feel like today I opened my eyes just wide enough to catch even just a bare glimpse of what he is doing all around me.

Today my mistakes felt forgotten, for the first time the realllly and truly felt forgotten. It was like a fresh start! When the Bible says mercies new every morning, I always new that meant God will wipe your slate clean every day, but in my mind I couldn't do that. I've been holding on to things I needed to let go--past sins, past mistakes, things I would probably say that now I regret. But God watched over me through those things and brought me to where I am today. And there is no looking back now! For the first time in a long time, the things that caused me trouble don't sound quite as appealing anymore. I will stumble and fall, but God will pick me back up. I will still have my weaknesses, but God does not bring us to more than we can handle. Life with God is not just a one-way relationship. And I'm sad that I've let it be that way for so long.

Today I realized that I need to go. God is calling us to go! And make disciples of all nations.  This is not something I am very good at in my every day life.  Usually, I tend to shield my faith from others and brush it off like it's just something I carry around with me as I walk and really not that big a deal. But it is a big deal! God is the biggest deal I've ever dealt with. God is the creator of the entire universe, bigger than our minds can even begin to think about. And he wants to have a relationship with me! A real one! A true friendship, a kinship, a real personal relationship! Today I felt like singing everywhere I went. I felt like shouting from the rooftops what my God has done for me, what his love does and how it makes me feel.

And Lord, please do not let these ideas stick on this page and go nowhere else in my life. Each day is a new day, a glorious day, for our heavenly Father is the one that made it. How blessed are we to be alive and included in his grace? How amazing is his love!

Finding Faith

I love learning new things.  College teaches me new things about myself and about life everyday.  Or probably  it is God teaching me these things, through college.  But here I am, and I'm learning.  Today I realized that God will show me these things I am dying to know, in His own time.  I realized that if my heart is in the right place, then what He wants for me and what I want for me will have more of a possibility to coincide.  God doesn't want me to be miserable with my life, and if I feel like I am at any point, I'm either not following His will, or I'm being selfish about the life I am living.  Recently, I've found these both to be extremely true.  God knows what's up. I don't.  And I need to start being more ok with this.

I went through this awful phase for almost a month or so, not knowing where to go and/or what to do with the rest of my life.  But really, that was all just a waste of my time.  If I'm going in the wrong way with things, I know God will tell me and show me in His time.  Where will I live in 10 years, what will I be doing, who will I be with?  God says don't worry about today, don't worry about anything.  The days have enough worries of their own.  I have dreams, dreams that I'd fight for and almost die to live out...but I talk to God about these dreams.  He knows what will work and what won't.  And so what happens tomorrow is really not any of my concern.

One thing I do understand is that God has blessed me with a love of language.  Stories in the Bible that deal with tongues and God making men speak in different languages--they really just enthrall me.  I'm currently majoring in Spanish, and I cannot wait to learn all of it, to become as fluent as I possibly can.  I want to use this knowledge and teach overseas--in Spain, in South or Central America; I just want to go where they need me.  Right now I honestly can't imagine teaching anywhere else but these countries.  No more America for me would be just fine.  I could be helping people, kids especially, and showing them love and sharing with them God's grace.  And helping them realize what more than can get out of life, and what all God has laid out the world for us to offer.  I don't know for the long term where God wants me.  There are so many variables in that equation, and there are so many uncertainties that tomorrow will ever even come at all.  But I would love to teach in a Spanish-speaking country.  I would love to help people with what I know and what I have.

And slowly I am beginning to realize I would love to do what God wants me to do.  And goodness knows where that might take me :)