Re-evaluating.

There are no words. 

God makes us, and he wants us to be happy. I haven't been happy lately. I may have been, but not the right kind or for the right reasons. The sun is shining outside, and today is a beautiful day...but just a few days ago, even yesterday, my head was not a pretty place to be. I freak myself out. I've learned that I have a distorted self-image, and pretty low but well hidden self-esteem. These are great things to admit. But regardless, I'm doing some changing and rearranging in my life. God has blessed me with so much, and so many great people. And I should really stop being so damn selfish about that fact.

Yesterday I went down to Nashville with a few of my girls, and I've come upon the fact that when I graduate, I am not living in Kentucky. I may have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life exactly, but it more than likely will not be here. There are so many other things to see and places to go. I wish I could live everywhere, and part of me wants that so much that I've thought about not having kids. But these are all empty words talking, just dreams. I don't know what is going to happen. And I'm trying to focus more on today. :)

I want to be more loving, and truly loving. I don't want to be fake with people anymore, and I want to branch out all the time. I met so many people last semester, and now I hardly talk to new people or even try to catch up with the older ones I've met. It takes work, but the sun rises every morning and it hence brings us joy. I'm going to try to wake like the sun every morning, and be a better light to the world that I see.

La Mejor Día De Mi Vida

I can't tell you why today is so perfecto, but it is. I wish I could write this entire entry in Spanish--it's so sad that I'm learning so much but still so far away from fluency! But I mean, really.. I wish I could say all these things I'm about to say in a language other than the one I'm so used to. And that's because my feelings aren't English today, and they're not American. And if I could choose, I wouldn't write this under my own name, thus announcing my femininity. In these words, I just wish to be-- soul. The way I feel today erases everything specific about myself and my experiences. The way I feel now incorporates everything in the entire world, of every language and race, every gender, every age, every statue of life. Today it was muy calor outside, muy caliente. And in my heart it was the most beautiful day in the world as well. I can't relate exactly why everyone feels the way that I did today, because we each have our own reasons all on different days, but I swear there is a peak of excitement and joy for all of us. And today I was looking out and walking around on top of the mountaintop that is mine.

We often forget this, but there is a sun and there are clouds, a blue sky above and green leaves below. The leaves are slow to get here, but they'll be here just the same. And these things bring new life in me. This is the first time I've been on a college campus in the spring. But I LOVE it. We come out of hibernation, eager to stretch our legs and sit on the greens. I could think of a million reasons not to do my homework for the day, all having to do somewhat with what the weather was afuera. On days like this my homework won't get done until the nighttime, I'm sure of it. I feel like I'm not enjoying God's beautiful glory to its fullest if I'm sitting in la biblioteca just reading things. God wants me to succeed and to achieve, I'm sure, but he also made the outside things. And he'll understand if I like them some, too.

Today reminded me how much bigger things are, than just me. I write about this almost every time, and I hate talking about it--the dreaded career I've got to decide upon. My degree is elementary education, but...really?  I've been stressing to the absolute maximum about it, without hardly saying a word. And that can be overbearing, and it gives you a very small tunnel in which to live your life. But today, God tore my tunnel down and I got to see what else he's been doing. And I swear I'm never going back in that hole again. I still have no idea what to do with my life. But I know now to be more patient. The trees bloom after months and months, but they don't get too excited or worried about its timing. It just happens, and it happens perfectly. I am not a tree. But God will work with me on this.

Questions and No Answers

It's frustrating to me how many things the world will not let me do. It's physically impossible for me to do so many things, and also impossible just because of society for so many others. What if I want to fly and jump so high I can dunk, or eat all I want to and still be skinny? Or what if I want to teach for a few years, travel the world like a nomad for a period, go to med school and become a pediatrician when I have some time, and then sit down and write for magazines and newspapers, maybe even throw out a few books? Why can't I? It is physically impossible for me to do all of these things. But what if I can't help wanting to? 

Why is it that we can't fly, really? Why can't I do all these impossible things that people have deemed impossible for me? I just don't understand. I know that life threatens me and the future scares me and I never feel quite satisfied by who I am or what I look like as an individual. But why does life seem to hold us back so much? I'm not sure this is making any sort of sense to you tonight. But I want so many things and I have so many dreams that quite frankly, it's frustrating.

Like why do I, and countless other girls my age, feel so obliged to lose weight? I LOVE food. Adore it. I love tasting things, eating things, drinking things, putting things in my mouth and thinking about them and digesting them. It sounds gross the way I am talking about it--but I looove the act of eating. So why have I taught myself to eat as little as I can, for my body's sake? What force has this world compelled on me that I hate myself for the love I have for food? It is physically impossible for me to eat what I love and still feel good about how I look on the outside. I don't understand this.

I don't understand how I can go from having dreams and a future so perfect and so set, then all of a sudden scared out of my mind about it. What do I want? It also doesn't make sense to me why God gave us eyebrows. It seems as if really, when you think about it, they have no true practical use. And it's not like that hair is used for warmth up there on our foreheads. So why eyebrows? Why so many things? And why NOT so many things?

I told my dad the other day I just really wanted to know the answers to everything. I was speaking under scientific terms, so he suggested I be a doctor. But really to know everything, the only person you could be would be God. And by the time I get up there with him, my list of questions is gonna be a million miles long.