nails black

I paint my fingernails black when I'm feeling badass. And tonight, my fingernails are black. 

I really wanted to do something daring and illegal tonight, but I know I won't. Maybe if I didn't have a good parking spot or if it wasn't so cold outside, I would...but, here I sit. And I'm doing everything that's expected.

My fingernails are black and I wish I could hang out with all my friends at the same time. I miss the ones from home and I hate having to pick and choose time with people here. I want to see EVERYONE all the time and still feel like I'm only spending time with each individual person and no one else. Are the polish fumes getting to my head? I'm feeling so illegal tonight, and yet I am so terribly far away from bad a.

Mountain Days

I swear I go through these up and downs in my life, where one day things are perfect and the next day I want to crawl in a hole. But today is the first one. It's like I have adrenaline rushing through my veins all day long, rushing and rushing coherently and cohesively causing this crazy mad pulse throughout my body that makes me not want to sit down. It's beautiful outside, in a cold kind of way, and I have so much energy I feel like I could climb a mountain. I'm not in the mood to run today, but I could definitely climb a mountain. It's a mountain day--where all I want to do is go outside and lie in the grass, feel the chill in the air, put my backpack on and hike all the way up to that waterfall and take a drink. And sit at the top for awhile, watching the clouds and dreaming of smoke. And then I'll climb back down and no one will fall on the rocks and we'll all make it perfectly ok. And then we'll eat marshmallows and not take showers and someone will sing, maybe I'll be the one to sing. Life just feels that way today. But I'm at college, and there are no mountains (just one huge ass hill) and there are no waterfalls. And even though it's not as perfect as that dream I just had, today is a perfect day. I am probably gonna be up studying all night for another please-don't-rape-me spanish test, but it's alright. God has blessed me with so much. And while I really want that mountain and those marshmallows, I wouldn't trade right now for the world. :)

Theories of Love

The irony of Valentine's Day is unmistakable to me. Do you ever wonder how many break-ups occur in the three-day span surrounding this card-company holiday? I think that it would simply be an interesting piece of information to look up. Tonight, a best friend of mine broke her own heart, and the heart of the one that loves her...and really, this just makes me wonder some things about love.

I read an article today about how the greatest love cannot come from this Earth, but only from someone higher than who we are.  I read about love so patient, so divine. And I believe with all of my heart that the love of Jesus Christ is the only love worth having. But yet, here I am searching. And here we all are, searching--waiting for that special someone to come into our lives and sweep us off our feet and be everything we need. What if we've already found each other? What if the timing is off? What if you just stopped trying? There are so many variables, and really there is always such much time. Love is everlasting. It doesn't care what else you have to do.

I had a conversation about soul mates tonight, and I've always been a pretty true believer in the idea of each person having a soul mate--someone we are each destined for, someone who completes us in almost every way possible. But it seems the older we get, the less extravagant and the less magical this idea and this look on love really becomes. I think we all get to the point where we just want someone who wants us back. But can I ask for more than that? What if I still think there is a soul mate of mine out there? And will I ever be able to find who that is? People say, there are a few trillion-something's of people on this earth...how could you possibly find "the ONE" you're meant to be with? But I can't let go of this.

Tonight, the friend of mine that put something so very dear to her on hold for both their sakes, she told me that she wanted to go and live in Europe for a year, and she doesn't see herself doing that with anyone but herself. "It's a me thing," she told me. And finally I realized she was right. I want love so badly, but I'm so afraid it won't find me at just the right time. I have so much I want to do. I've never admitted it really, but what if I'm a little apprehensive about falling in love? What if this all really just seems like too much for me? Tonight, I also mentioned the possibility of me never having kids. And appalled faces did I find staring back at me! Not everyone has kids. What if my love is only big enough to share with one other person? I'm not saying I won't have kids, because in all likelihood I probably will, but can we take these things one step at a time? Love is everlasting. It will wait on me...I mean, I hope so.

So I don't know where I stand with soul mates right now, or how I feel about long-distance relationships, or what it means to put your love on hold for the sake of your lover. I'm so lost in the theories of love, in the comings and goings of relationships. And to think the Beatles said it was only as simple as, I Want to Hold Your Hand. Most people want a whole lot more than that. And I don't know when I'll find the right one to keep hold of. Love may be patient, love may be divine...but I still can't understand all of this. Not just yet.

What makes this happen?

I love my life so freakin much right now. God just keeps blessing me, and I mean really it just keeps coming and I am ever so thankful for all of these things. I want to write as much of this down as I can, because I know that sometime, God only knows when, I will forget all of these amazing blessings I have and things will take a slightly downward turn. Generally, that's just how life happens to us. But tonight I am so very blessed :)

Despite what so many other people that work with me will tell you, I really think I love my job. I may not be very good at it yet, but I certainly like to think I'm getting better. Calling alumni for 4 hours, 3 days a week and asking them for money does not sound like the ideal job--I mean, right? But there is joy in it. Tonight, I called one lady and she kept telling me to call her in 15 minutes, she promised she'd talk to me. This happened three times before I actually got to go through my script with her. But it was incredibly worth it. This lady is a teacher from WKU who now lives in New Mexico, and absolutely loves it. Somehow we ended up talking for a good 40 minutes, and we laughed and talked and shared things about our lives. It's crazy how much you can have in common with one person who is on the opposite side of the country and at least 30 years older than you are. But, that's what happened with this lady. She ended up almost offering me a job for when I graduate, and giving me her contact information! It was absolutely amazing. It's probably hard to understand by the way I am describing it, but this call seriously made my night. And to top it all off, she pledged 50 bucks! Biggest pledge I've had so far. I love a challenge, and this job is a challenge. But even more I love rising up to that challenge and conquering it. And I feel like I did this tonight.

I don't know what it is, but it's like everything in my life just seems to be clicking right now and I praise God for that so much. My classes are going well (with the one exception of possibly the Spanish test I get back tomorrow), I love each and every one of my best friends so much, my life is busy yesss, and I get to see my family this weekend. I don't know why all of a sudden everything seems so fresh and so perfect, but I hope this feeling stays. And I hope I can spread it to everyone around me :)

Please Don't Stop the Rain

A lot of the time, I don't always feel like I am who I say I am. I get turned around and my words get twisted, and I get tempted by many things and I give in. It happens to everyone, but especially to me. And I hate how weak I can become with certain things sometimes, but I'm so thankful that God wants so much to show me the way to go every day, and He will always forget what I've done wrong. :)

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days in such a long time--who knew, 70 degrees in February!? But today it was just as warm, plus muggy and wet. So wet. God gives and takes away, does he not? And I am so blessed for what he has given me. I have best friends, and I have opportunities for education, and I have the hope of finding love, and I have the whole world for me to reach out and grab, if I want it. I don't know if I want the whole world, really. But I wouldn't mind seeing parts of it and living in parts of it and making a difference and touching people's lives...in parts of it.

Lately I've allowed myself to dream--where will I be in five years? In my education class the other day, our professor asked us if we will go back home to work when we become teachers. Surprisingly enough, I was the only one who said no. And then I thought, will I really have the guts to move someplace totally new and start over? I can't imagine how much I will miss my friends and my family in Kentucky, but I truly believe (as I have for such a long time now) that there are other places to go and to see. What if they need me in Tennessee, or Arizona, or New York, or even overseas? People don't always understand when I say I want to teach ESL. "Oh, so you want to be an elementary school teacher?" Well, no. Not exactly. I want to bridge language gaps, I want to expand minds and reach across cultures, I want people to be able to talk to each other, and I want to help them in all the ways that I can. Right now, those dreams are leading me toward ESL in elementary schools, but who knows where from there? I don't think God calls all of us to stay in one place, in one position for all of our lives. I think he knows and understands that some of us would be better tossed around a bit. And I don't know if I can do it or if He really even wants me to be one of those people, but I'm aspiring to write that down as my plan.

As can be seen in the weather, God changes things with the day. God moves things and stirs things, he answers prayers and he makes you wait. He shows you what it's like to be patient and he shows you what it's like to deal and endure. My future may not change daily like the sun and the rain, but if it changes and when it does--I know God has my back. And even though I don't honor him or obey him nearly half as much as I wish I did, I still know he loves me. Enough reason to get up out of bed every morning, even if it means putting on coats or rainboots or dragging around ratty umbrellas. God sees my life and loves me, even through the rain. :)

Arms of love

Sometimes you've just got to let go, and let God. This semester is going to be very trying for me it seems, and possibly for a variety of reasons. Everyone generally says that spring semester is way more chill and there is a lot less going on, but I have never felt so busy in my life! I guess that's what I get for taking 19 hours, picking up a job, and wanting to still have a social life. :) But I'm determined not to drop a class, or quit at work, or stop having friends. I told my friend earlier today that if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. And the same applies to my life. Life is such a balancing act sometimes, I feel like. But eventually, I will start to get the hang of this.

I'm just so blessed to be where I am right now in life, with new friends and old friends, with dreams coming true and new ones being dreamt every day. There are so many opportunities for each of us if we really seek them out. I expected college to be so many things, but it's whatever I make it. And I want to make every minute count. I want to suck the breath out of every day, not leaving one moment wasted or unnoticed. Idle time is a thing of my past, and small talk is never as small as we make it out to be. I pray God shows me what's up for today and tomorrow, and for all the years ahead of me, way down that winding road. I don't quite understand how I can have so much going on and so much on my plate right now, but feel such joy and such happiness in the midst of this chaos. I truly love the Lord my God with all of my heart and my soul. I may not always do what is right in His eyes, and I may stumble farther from Him constantly (more than I'd ever like to admit), but He is always right back there waiting with arms open wide. My reason to wake up each day, to have dreams that actually have a chance of coming true, and to spread love.

I want to be a hippie mixed with the love of Jesus. Is that profound, or is that just really dumb? And yet, it's what I want right now. So caught up in the arms of God's love.